This week we welcomed Dr. Linda Miles as a speaker. Besides being a marriage and family therapist, an award-winning author, and frequent guest on various talk shows, Dr. Miles is also Jan's BFF since childhood! After sharing a story about a teenage Jan wanting some alone time with her boyfriend, Dr. Miles got down to business. Namely, answering questions submitted by members of our group on how to better relate to our husbands, in-laws, and parents.
We started out with a quick lesson on brain anatomy, and what types of emotion are handled by different parts of the brain. Dr. Miles emphasized the importance of not just reacting using your brain stem (i.e. fight or flight), but instead moving up to the frontal cortex to make sure you're using higher reasoning skills. A tip she gave was to take a minute to rub some lotion onto your hands, stopping to focus on centering yourself, to allow yourself to calm down and "move up" into higher levels of thinking. Bonus points if your lotion has a soothing scent, like lavender. As Dr. Miles went through our questions, it was more of a discussion than a lecture. She helped us look at each question and determine if it was framed in a way that was helpful or harmful. Here are some of the take home messages I got:
- Try to look back a generation to understand the root causes of the behavior in question. If you can better understand why the person acts the way they do, it can help in your interactions with them. Dr. Miles told us about a graduation card she received about how to "be a lady," which was basically how to hide all of your own feelings and needs to take care of other people. Women who grew up receiving these messages are now the passive-aggressive, indecisive mothers-in-law we know today.
- Passive-aggressive people can be very frustrating to communicate with. If all else fails, limit your interactions with them for your own sanity.
- If you are looking for only negative things in a relationship, you are going to find plenty! Look for the best in people to cast a more positive light.
- Excessive gift-giving seems to be an issue many of us struggle with. Talking to the gift giver can help. Give them a specific wish list, and emphasize giving experience gifts rather than material gifts. If nothing else, you can always donate unwanted/unneeded items. Maybe they'll get the hint.
- Remember to use that frontal cortex to come up with creative solutions to problems, instead of just silently being annoyed. As an example, instead of being frustrated that grandma constantly feeds your kids junk, bring over your own food for her to serve them. This may mean a trip down the frozen food aisle so that she has food on hand if it's a last minute visit.
- You can't force other people to behave in the way you want them to. Any time you start out with "how do I get someone to," you are going to be disappointed. You can only control your own behavior.
- Find yourself a BFF that you can vent to. Step away from a stressful situation, call and let all of your feelings out to a neutral, understanding party, then dive back into the fray. Your emotions will be diffused and it will be easier for you to approach the situation calmly and with a clear head.
- Don't get sucked into other people's drama that does not involve you. Remember, "not my circus, not my monkeys."
I know I'm missing some, and I'll go ahead and blame my 3 month old distraction for the missing pieces. Feel free to add your own in the comments!
